


all of the dreams

by Anonymous



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Analogy, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Mind of Taeyong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24836848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: An analogy, a spurt of growth, and a clip of a love story.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: anonymous





	all of the dreams

**Author's Note:**

> My analogy, or if I may, the inside of Taeyong’s mind.
> 
> This fic does not portray anyone in real life, a work of fiction is all it ever will be.

It was a grey area. 

Taeyong was the grey area. 

His life wasn’t easy to read, his emotions masked in a peaceful protest of his mind. Whether he was sad or just not interested wasn’t hard to miss, but it was the grey area between knowing and not knowing. When there was a storm brewing inside of him, most let it happen. There was no calm before the storms for him, it brewed and boiled over the edge, but was never calm. Silence was a sign that the storm inside was there. 

He’d reserve himself, his bubbly personality simmered to a stop and he’d stay alone. Taeyong wasn’t an open book, people could read him for centuries and no one would reach the end. Amongst the pages were vile words and disheartening sentences and thoughts. He’d let them be read, but not interpreted. Brushed under the rug as just another mistake, accident, or unintentional rift in someone else’s mindset on how he was perceived. 

No one would know anyone fully, knowing someone for ages is like watching milk age. It gets worse, eventually throwing it out when the expiration date is long overdue. Then it’s thrown out, it’s rubbish. 

People are constantly changing and growing in the cycle of life. They are never the same. 

But with Taeyong, he remains the grey area that he is. Whether he grows and flourishes is beyond what the eye can tell. Growing from the outside, but shrinking from the inside.

Say the world is falling apart, but Taeyong remains standing on the cracks. His strength is recognized and noted as a wonderful aspect to his beautiful, unknown personality. 

They will all say, he’s beautiful. He’s courageous and strong for fighting for everything he believes in, constantly reminding himself that the world is just a reality he has to face. But deep inside there’s a parallel universe to all the emotions and fears he faces. 

The fear of being alone. 

It’s a fear that provokes him in the middle of the night, his lonesome room and a door that has someone he considers home just ten steps away. But the light in his room is out, and he’s asleep, and the world is resting. He prevails in the middle of the night and scatters thoughts on a notebook no one would read, but would think about and feel the urge to understand just what the storm is creating. 

Nothing is too late. Everything is too soon to him, whether he feels the jerking feeling he’s being watched or that there’s a monster in the corner of the room, lurking in the shadows and reminding him just what it means to be alone in a crowded mind. Taeyong festers at the cracks, he wipes it clean but it always makes an appearance in a vulnerable state. 

He often wonders the things, why me, why did this happen to me, and who are they to say they know me for things that have never been true. But he’s silent, he watches it, he lets it burn. Often enough he will read everything and wonder to himself if that’s the way he actually presents himself, or if that’s just the way people want him to be. 

Never give in, that’s what his mother always said to him when they would push him and rip his uniform at the knees. Bloody, knobby, knees are what he thinks of when he thinks of his younger self. 

Taeyong allows darkness to provoke his mind and hold him gently around the throat until it’s squeezed raw. He’s breathless and afraid. 

However, with this he stays true to himself. Whether it’s the millions of bugs crawling his skin and waiting for him to cave, or it’s the butterflies in his stomach when  _ he  _ touches him with gentle care he keeps the smile. 

He’s often told he has a beautiful smile, that it’s to be adored and not to be shamed. So he keeps it, he smiles, if people like it he wants to give. Taeyong loves to give and give, he creates for others and for himself because giving is a gift. 

When the sun sets, he looks at it and wonders what it’s like to be so close to it, that it looks like he could touch it. It’s beautiful, like  _ him.  _

_ He,  _ the boy in his mind that festers with his cracks, but grows the dandelions that bring out the beauty in him. Taeyong trusts the boy, because he holds his hand, knows him the most he can, and grows the beauty in his heart. The heart of a boy who loves to make people warm with happiness. If he, the boy, were something that was inanimate, he’d be the sun. It sets, but it rises somewhere else and flourishes the flowers that need the light. 

Taeyong knows it’s a selfish thing to feel, but it’s love. The love he wants to give and give, but holds back in the fear that it’s not what  _ he _ wants. 

To be happy, is to be selfish. He wants the sun to grow his flowers and make him beautiful again, but he knows that there is no room to be selfish when…

The world is watching you. 

He stands on the stage with a million eyes on him, he stares off and feels the energy bubble. This is why he doesn’t give up, why he works hard and achieves his dreams the way he wants to. His style, his humor, his ever growing need for confirmation. 

And they cheer, they praise, they dance along by his side and say,  _ I love you. Thank you for saving me.  _

He says it too, they save him in a way he didn’t know would work. Their dedication and happiness when they are empowered and win, or achieve success. 

It’s the way he wants to live, even if it’s without his sun, the one he holds onto, looks at, holds close to his heart. No matter the distance his eyes are on him, the one person who skips to the end of the book and reads the epilogue. 

And it’s a great feeling. 

Love is Johnny Seo, to Taeyong, because he wilts as a rose, but Johnny paints him red and revives his sorrows. 

“You think too much, Taeyong-ah, you must get tired,” Johnny lays a gentle hand on his head and massages his scalp. “We are getting dinner soon, you have to eat. You’re getting too skinny again.”

Worries, always directed towards him in conversation, and Taeyong stares at him with adoration, “I eat, it’s just the work outs and choreography. I’m treating myself well nowadays.”

“I’ve seen that, you smile more,” he replies, he removes the hand and places it on his lower back to urge him forwards, “But they are not always true, so I assume you have your worries again.”

“I always have worries,” Taeyong is honest, he moves closer to Johnny and leans in. The warmth is radiant. 

“It’s the room, your room, you don’t like to be alone,” Johnny says, “With the room come your worries, so let me lay with you till you fall asleep tonight.”

“Or stay,” the smaller says, he always wants him to stay, “If you’d like. With you, I feel safe.”

“Then I won’t leave,” Johnny nods, “You know, I’ve always thought you were pretty extraordinary.”

Taeyong laughs and settles his gaze on the others, “Is that so?”

He’s a rippling edge, he’s always been sensitive. Taeyong doesn’t like to cry, but it’s something he lets happen. So he lets the tears pool. 

“Yes, you’re like a flower to me that never dies, never wilts, always standing taller and basking in the sun,” Johnny holds him by the waist now. 

This is against Taeyong’s analogy that he wilts and Johnny paints him red, “You’ve always been beautiful and strong. The world wasn’t ready for you, and they never will be.”

When the first tear falls, Johnny wipes it away.

“It’s a little silly you say that, you make it hard for me to not think of you,” Taeyong sighs, and maybe it shouldn’t have been said, “You’re the sun that I bask in.”

“I like that,” Johnny confirms, “I want you to be thriving all the time, so…”

He trails off and waits for the group to finally leave, and now they’re alone, “Let me know you and understand you better than I do.”

“Okay.”

It’s a final word in Taeyong’s mind, to let Johnny finish the book. Finally close the cover, and Taeyong is at peace. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
